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Editorial Reviews
What are the limits of sympathy in dealing with another person's troubles? Where do we draw the line between caring for a loved one, and being swallowed up emotionally by the obligation to do so? Quite simply, what do we owe each other? In this vivid and thoughtful study, David Karp chronicles the experiences of the family members of the mentally ill, and how they draw "boundaries of sympathy" to avoid being engulfed by the day-to-day suffering of a loved one.
Working from sixty extensive interviews, the author reveals striking similarities in the experiences of caregivers: the feelings of shame, fear, guilt and powerlessness in the face of a socially stigmatized illness; the frustration of navigating the complex network of bureaucracies that govern the mental health system; and most of all, the difficulty negotiating an "appropriate" level of involvement with the mentally ill loved one while maintaining enough distance for personal health. Throughout the narratives, Karp sensitively explores the overarching question of how people strike an equilibrium between reason and emotion, between head and heart, when caring for a catastrophically ill person. The Burden of Sympathy concludes with a critical look at what it means to be a moral and caring person at the turn of the century in America, when powerful cultural messages spell out two contradictory imperatives: pursue personal fulfillment at any cost and care for the family at any cost.
An insightful, deeply caring look at mental illness and at the larger picture of contemporary values, The Burden of Sympathy is required reading for caregivers of all kinds, and for anyone seeking broader understanding of human responsibility in the postmodern world.
Working from sixty extensive interviews, the author reveals striking similarities in the experiences of caregivers: the feelings of shame, fear, guilt and powerlessness in the face of a socially stigmatized illness; the frustration of navigating the complex network of bureaucracies that govern the mental health system; and most of all, the difficulty negotiating an "appropriate" level of involvement with the mentally ill loved one while maintaining enough distance for personal health. Throughout the narratives, Karp sensitively explores the overarching question of how people strike an equilibrium between reason and emotion, between head and heart, when caring for a catastrophically ill person. The Burden of Sympathy concludes with a critical look at what it means to be a moral and caring person at the turn of the century in America, when powerful cultural messages spell out two contradictory imperatives: pursue personal fulfillment at any cost and care for the family at any cost.
An insightful, deeply caring look at mental illness and at the larger picture of contemporary values, The Burden of Sympathy is required reading for caregivers of all kinds, and for anyone seeking broader understanding of human responsibility in the postmodern world.
Related Reviews
Excellent picture of today's realities -- NOT for guidance
At last, someone who understands what it's like.
Reading this book was such a relief. Dealing with a mentally ill family member is so hard to explain to someone who doesn't share the experience. People would tell me, "You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders." I just couldn't find the words to express what it was like to care for a family member who was severely depressed and psychotic until I read this book. Rereading it helped me see that it was not only OK but necessary to set boundaries to preserve my own mental health. Fortunately for my family, once I set boundaries, things changed dramatically for the better. The ill person in my family saw that I was serious about maintaining my own boundaries and actually started to get better. I realize that we might be the exception, and not the rule.
I recommend this book highly, as it provides deep insight and a bit of comfort to those who are grappling with the devastating financial, physical, and emotional effects of caring for a mentally ill family member.
I recommend this book highly, as it provides deep insight and a bit of comfort to those who are grappling with the devastating financial, physical, and emotional effects of caring for a mentally ill family member.
This is the first book I've read that describes my experiences of living with mentally ill family members so precisely. It is a must read for anyone living with or caring for a mentally ill loved one. David Karp has tapped into a secret well of pain and love and compassion that needs to be brought to the collective consciousness of our society.
Have a mentally ill family member? Then chances are...
...you will find part of your story in this book. A second reading may be required to appreciate its sociological insights. My primary satisfaction in first reading it was actually hearing about others who've had experiences similar to what have been the most defining yet harshly individuating and closely guarded experiences of my life. Especially poignant were the first realizations of serious mental illness, but the ongoing survival stories were important as well. As many stories as were outlined, I was still left wanting more. ...
Sociologist David Karp shares the insights gleaned from over 60 interviews of those who have loved ones suffering from the ravages of mental illness. He pieces together excerpts of these interviews to illustrate the different ways mental illness affects the lives of families and friends. Those interviewed share how they attempt to cope with such issues as personal feelings of guilt, the societal stygma associated with mental illness, and the frustration of dealing with a bureaucracy that is not always responsive. At the core of many of the interviews is a redeeming theme of hope. Karp's thesis is that the moral boundaries of caregiving necessarily shift as the mental illness emerges over time, and that it is imperative to balance the needs of the mentally ill person with the needs of those who provide care and support. Karp reminds readers of the 4 C's: (1) I did not cause it, (2) I cannot cure it, (3) I cannot control it, (4) all I can do is cope with it.
If you're looking to understand how to think about a friend or a loved one with major drug resistant depression or other mental health issues, you should read and refer to this work often. It provides insight on how to help with an appropriate outlook and attitude. Nicely done.
The Burden of Sympathy is an essential book for those with mentally ill family members, and even the ill themselves. I have learned so much about the similarities in care taking difficulties, and feel I understand more why I feel compelled to care, and when it's ok to let go. A must for anyone dealing with illness.
A brilliant and honest book that will resonate strongly with those who care for loved ones with mental illness. Its great value, I think, beyond making the experience public, is to make it clear to such people that 1) things often do not get better; 2) the road to recognizing this often takes years; 3) self-preservation is not a sin; there is no shame or stigma in walking away and caring from a distance if you can, and leaving the everyday care to professionals who get paid and can go home at the end of the day.
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However, it's important to note that the mental health system generally provides little help for *families* of the mentally ill, so the many people Karp interviews are very much trying to learn to cope. Therefore, this is not the book to read if you're looking for guidance. It is, however, a revealing picture of what it means to have mental illness in one's family today.
For example, this book's focus in on the caregiver and his/her relationship to the patient. Almost no one is prepared for the personal, spiritual, moral and emotional challenges (not to mention financial) that seem to burst on you when someone you love has a mental illness. The people in _Burden of Sympathy_ have not gone the whole journey, and this is particularly reflected in one mother's account. She and her husband are not able to fully acknowledge their son's illness until he cruelly -- and possibly life-threateningly -- attacks his brother. The mother expresses concern that because she is completely enveloped in caring for her ill son, that she's failing her other children.
The effect of mental illness on families is almost a system in itself, and due to the focus on caregiver-patient in this book, that system is not illuminated. Children who do not play a caregiving role are also profoundly affected and challenged, and have needs of their own that often are not met -- with consequences casting a long shadow over the rest of their lives. I hope David Karp will explore this issue in future books.
In addition, many of the other inteviewees are also completely enveloped in the mentally ill relative -- with hard consequences for their other relationships and lives. This, in my opinion, is where we are most challenged and most ill-equipped to deal with mental illness in our families. How do you get to acceptance? How do you distinguish your needs from theirs? How do you maintain that balance? How do you embrace the "4th C" (detailed in this book) of "All I can do is cope with it [the situation]"?
_Burden of Sympathy_ is a beautifully drawn picture of how caregivers attempt to cope. This book won't offer guidance in coping, but will offer you the solace of knowing you're not alone.