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Editorial Reviews
You've either done it or know someone who has: the one-night stand, the familiar outcome of a night spent at a bar, sometimes the sole payoff for your friend's irritating wedding, or the only relief from a disastrous vacation. Often embarrassing and uncomfortable, occasionally outlandish, but most times just a necessary and irresistible evil, the one-night stand is a social rite as old as sex itself and as common as a bar stool. Enter Chelsea Handler. Gorgeous, sharp, and anything but shy, Chelsea loves men and lots of them. My Horizontal Life chronicles her romp through the different bedrooms of a variety of suitors, a no-holds-barred account of what can happen between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated, outgoing woman during one night of passion. From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her even shorter dalliance with a well-endowed little person, from her uncomfortable tryst with a cruise ship performer to her misguided rebound with a man who likes to play leather dress-up, Chelsea recalls the highs and lows of her one-night stands with hilarious honesty. Encouraged by her motley collection of friends (aka: her partners in crime) but challenged by her family members (who at times find themselves a surprise part of the encounter), Chelsea hits bottom and bounces back, unafraid to share the gritty details. My Horizontal Life is one guilty pleasure you won't be ashamed to talk about in the morning. Chelsea Handler was born in Livingston, New Jersey, and has toured the country doing stand-up. Now settled in Los Angeles, she can be seen at the Comedy Store and the Laugh Factory, and as one of the stars on Oxygen's Girls Behaving Badly. Chelsea has guest-starred on programs such as Spy TV, My Wife and Kids, The Bernie Mac Show, and The Practice. Her stand-up will soon be televised on VH1's Love Lounge, Comedy Central's Premium Blend, and HBO's broadcast of the Aspen Comedy Festival. "Ch
Related Reviews
Some funny vignettes, but there's an "ick" factor
This is a vacation read -- something I wouldn't normally pick up, but it was sitting there, and I was headed out to the beach to suck down some tropical concoction in the sun. So, why not?
Chelsea Handler has written an account of one-night stands that she has experienced. The cast of characters is interesting, and sometimes bizarre, and the situations range from laugh-out-loud funny to irritatingly off-putting.
I enjoyed it sporadically, as much as I simultaneously found it offensive. I don't know how much the author has embellished, and how well she's hidden the identity of some of her subjects, but I'd sure be sorry if I showed up in her book! She's rather merciless and shallow, a hedonist who wants to have a good time and doesn't even try to spare the feelings of men who, er, aren't up to the task. I'm trying to imagine a book written with genders reversed, where a man takes a woman home from a bar, only to reject her in the bedroom because of, say, her breast size. Eeyuck.
It's also a shame that Handler thinks that hedonism is cool when it extends to being an alcoholic. No, she doesn't label herself an alcoholic, and maybe she's not one. Maybe she's exaggerating things for comedic effect, but if that's the case, the unintended consequence was to make herself out to be a happy drunk.
That said, if you can accept the author's total pursuit of her own pleasure (her feeble attempt at the end to portray this as a phase coming to an end doesn't really ring sincere), the book does have some pleasure to offer the reader as well, with a couple of very funny predicaments and sexual disasters.
If you want a few sexually-charged laughs, you could sure do worse than this book. And it was okay as a vacation read. That's as far as I can go in recommending My Horizontal Life.
Chelsea Handler has written an account of one-night stands that she has experienced. The cast of characters is interesting, and sometimes bizarre, and the situations range from laugh-out-loud funny to irritatingly off-putting.
I enjoyed it sporadically, as much as I simultaneously found it offensive. I don't know how much the author has embellished, and how well she's hidden the identity of some of her subjects, but I'd sure be sorry if I showed up in her book! She's rather merciless and shallow, a hedonist who wants to have a good time and doesn't even try to spare the feelings of men who, er, aren't up to the task. I'm trying to imagine a book written with genders reversed, where a man takes a woman home from a bar, only to reject her in the bedroom because of, say, her breast size. Eeyuck.
It's also a shame that Handler thinks that hedonism is cool when it extends to being an alcoholic. No, she doesn't label herself an alcoholic, and maybe she's not one. Maybe she's exaggerating things for comedic effect, but if that's the case, the unintended consequence was to make herself out to be a happy drunk.
That said, if you can accept the author's total pursuit of her own pleasure (her feeble attempt at the end to portray this as a phase coming to an end doesn't really ring sincere), the book does have some pleasure to offer the reader as well, with a couple of very funny predicaments and sexual disasters.
If you want a few sexually-charged laughs, you could sure do worse than this book. And it was okay as a vacation read. That's as far as I can go in recommending My Horizontal Life.
I've casually enjoyed Chelsea Handler's TV show for some time. She's witty and clever on television, so I thought her book would offer more of the same. Unfortunately, this book changed my perception of Chelsea, and once I finished the book I came away from the experience feeling I wasted my time. Chelsea's experiences really do seem like aimless recollections of a shallow existence. As another reviewer pointed out, her memoir reads like a series of Sex in the City scripts minus the fashion. Unfortunately, Chelsea often comes off as pretentious, vapid, and morally bankrupt. I kept hoping the narrative arc of the book would reveal some growth and personal reflection. Instead, the book continuously chronicled Chelsea's nihilistic existence. Sure there are some humorous moments, but they are too few. Many of Chelsea's recollections focus on her insatiable desire for sex and a general contempt for those who aren't physical specimens. In an attempt to be funny, Chelsea's lack of compassion for others (i.e. her roommate or fellow booze cruise passengers) simply reveals her hollow character. There's little redeeming quality in Chelsea's memoir; for those looking for self-deprecating laughs, a much better choice would be among the works of Laurie Notaro.
Not funny at all, a serious waste of time and money
I bought this book at Borders from their "buy one, half off the second book" collection. I should have known that there was a reason Borders was trying to unload it that way. I have a raunchy sense of humor so I figured from the title that this would be a good read. Wasn't looking for War and Peace, just some funny stories. Boy, was I disappointed.
These stories are not funny. They are each a study in how to act like a trailer trash tramp and be boring doing it. For these stories to be funny, it would help if the reader could somehow identify with the narrator and see the irony of the situations she gets herself into. Unfortunately, I have never been a drug-addled, sex-obsessed loser who thinks other people exist to serve my needs. When she ridicules the only person laughing at her stand up comedy routine, it becomes clear she doesn't actually like anyone unless she's high, drunk and horny. She's not an endearing drunk or a decent storyteller. She's mean-spirited, prejudiced self-centered and worst of all, not funny.
Spare yourself the 30 minutes of reading it will take to figure out that this book does not deliver on the promise of the title.
These stories are not funny. They are each a study in how to act like a trailer trash tramp and be boring doing it. For these stories to be funny, it would help if the reader could somehow identify with the narrator and see the irony of the situations she gets herself into. Unfortunately, I have never been a drug-addled, sex-obsessed loser who thinks other people exist to serve my needs. When she ridicules the only person laughing at her stand up comedy routine, it becomes clear she doesn't actually like anyone unless she's high, drunk and horny. She's not an endearing drunk or a decent storyteller. She's mean-spirited, prejudiced self-centered and worst of all, not funny.
Spare yourself the 30 minutes of reading it will take to figure out that this book does not deliver on the promise of the title.
This book is only what it says it is-a collection of the stories of one night stands. It is not wry, sarcastic, insightful, and the most it is not is funny. Not humorous at all. I was expecting so much more, got it to read aloud on a road trip. Ordered it from Amazon, when it came I started and completed reading it at my dining table, it is a fast read and that is all I can say.
Seriously mislead by the good reviews and little snippets
The book was at times funny, but mainly a disappointment. I somehow missed the fact that this book was written by a comedian. Hence, every line of the book was an attempt to be funny. The added fact that the stories are told from an admitted compulsive liar and alcoholic didn't enhance the appeal much either.
I heard about this book and thought it would be a fun read so I downloaded a sample cahpter to my Kindle. It was really quite funny but I didn't realize it was more of an introduction than anything else. Having been entertained I bought the book.
Within an hour I called customer service for a refund. The actual book was nothing at all like the intro. That is to say...it wasn't entertaining and it wasn't particularly funny. Actually, as some other reviewers have commented....it ws really quite pathetic. Do I really care how many people she screwed just to keep her numbers up. I couldn't make it through the first chapter after the intro (and I was expecting it to be funny like the intro)....dull and not really much story. There is a lot of much better material out there, humor and otherwise, to spend time on. Pass on this one!
Within an hour I called customer service for a refund. The actual book was nothing at all like the intro. That is to say...it wasn't entertaining and it wasn't particularly funny. Actually, as some other reviewers have commented....it ws really quite pathetic. Do I really care how many people she screwed just to keep her numbers up. I couldn't make it through the first chapter after the intro (and I was expecting it to be funny like the intro)....dull and not really much story. There is a lot of much better material out there, humor and otherwise, to spend time on. Pass on this one!
What A Racist, Self Absorbed, Small Woman - Get Over Yourself
Wow - I was so excited to start reading this book - thinking it would be funny, light and a good read - Was I WRONG. Not only is she racist and way over the top, she is very full of herself - This book reads like a fly on the wall commenting on her slutty and boring life which lacks anything with substance, actually quite sad. I would rather watch the fly on the wall.
I can't believe that so many people actually enjoyed reading this book! The only thing positive that I can say is that she is very smart to use this title. It was very misleading and I am sure a lot of people picked up the book expecting something racier.
The book is more about mocking men's physical traits than it is about one night stands. If you really insist on buying your own copy, I'm putting mine up for sale. Maybe I can make my money back.
The book is more about mocking men's physical traits than it is about one night stands. If you really insist on buying your own copy, I'm putting mine up for sale. Maybe I can make my money back.
A sad "Groundhog Day" existence
All of the little vignettes are pretty much the same, girl gets drunk and has cheap sex. Was expecting the female version of "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" but this falls very short. Save your money.
The only way to explain the 5-star reviews...more people Chelsea Handler f*#@ed
I enjoy juvenile, crass, and sexual humor. What I don't enjoy are the misguided musings masquerading as realism and comedy perpetrated and personified by the fake get-togethers of the whoresome foursome on Sex and the City. It's not funny at all, and it serves as a sad indictment on the lost state of the sexual revolution.
Much like the quartet led by Sarah Jessica Parker, this book will inevitably have the wrong affect on its intended audience. There will undoubtedly be a bevy of misguided under-20 followers (judging by the number of monosyllabic 5-star reviews, it's worse than I thought), those who adore Chelsea Handler's comedy - a misnomer because comedy produces laughter - who will read this book and view it as the panacea for their morally bankrupt lives. For them, this has become and will continue to be a justification for selfishness, promiscuity, and pure hedonism. It is and will be viewed as a triumph in a faux-sexual revolution, where a misplaced, retarded view of equality will be used as a crutch of empowerment. The most ignorant part about it is that there is no achievement or struggle to any of Chelsea's conquests. When a good-looking woman "convinces" a man into bed, she merely has to ask.
Ms. Handler: "Nice shoes. Wanna f*#@?"
Random Guy: "Um, yes."
It's really that simple. Therein lies the difference between this, and I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by Tucker Max. Whereas the corrupt stories from Max require persuasion and guile, and are therefore much more of an accomplishment, not to mention infinitely funnier and equally embellished, the horizontal life of Ms. Handler could have been summarized into about twenty vapid pages. Perhaps if she spent more time attempting to be funny, and less time unnecessarily proving that she can tell a raunchy story like one of the guys, maybe her pathological lies told through the haze of an alcoholic stupor wouldn't feel so aimless and forced.
Ending with an insincere lesson learned, the whole experience is as shallow as a thimble. Unless the majority of the book was written tongue-in-cheek, and saturated with exaggeration, then the omissions from her countless other encounters should lead to a recommendation of Alcoholics Anonymous and an immediately screening for STDs. The biggest problem with the book, however, is that it's simply not that funny. Much like her show, where the guests and the midget Chuy provide the vast majority of the laughs, the only true chuckles come from the contributions of others. Her curmudgeonly father, her gay friend and her black friend (as she describes them), provide the infrequent wit and humor that makes this tale of depravity bearable. Self-deprecation is infrequent, if not pretentious and insincere, and really serves no other purpose than a half-hearted apology. Overall, this book is a misguided waste, but will unfortunately be adored by those who misconstrue the message, or those confused enough to think that she's the funny character in her show or her book.
Much like the quartet led by Sarah Jessica Parker, this book will inevitably have the wrong affect on its intended audience. There will undoubtedly be a bevy of misguided under-20 followers (judging by the number of monosyllabic 5-star reviews, it's worse than I thought), those who adore Chelsea Handler's comedy - a misnomer because comedy produces laughter - who will read this book and view it as the panacea for their morally bankrupt lives. For them, this has become and will continue to be a justification for selfishness, promiscuity, and pure hedonism. It is and will be viewed as a triumph in a faux-sexual revolution, where a misplaced, retarded view of equality will be used as a crutch of empowerment. The most ignorant part about it is that there is no achievement or struggle to any of Chelsea's conquests. When a good-looking woman "convinces" a man into bed, she merely has to ask.
Ms. Handler: "Nice shoes. Wanna f*#@?"
Random Guy: "Um, yes."
It's really that simple. Therein lies the difference between this, and I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by Tucker Max. Whereas the corrupt stories from Max require persuasion and guile, and are therefore much more of an accomplishment, not to mention infinitely funnier and equally embellished, the horizontal life of Ms. Handler could have been summarized into about twenty vapid pages. Perhaps if she spent more time attempting to be funny, and less time unnecessarily proving that she can tell a raunchy story like one of the guys, maybe her pathological lies told through the haze of an alcoholic stupor wouldn't feel so aimless and forced.
Ending with an insincere lesson learned, the whole experience is as shallow as a thimble. Unless the majority of the book was written tongue-in-cheek, and saturated with exaggeration, then the omissions from her countless other encounters should lead to a recommendation of Alcoholics Anonymous and an immediately screening for STDs. The biggest problem with the book, however, is that it's simply not that funny. Much like her show, where the guests and the midget Chuy provide the vast majority of the laughs, the only true chuckles come from the contributions of others. Her curmudgeonly father, her gay friend and her black friend (as she describes them), provide the infrequent wit and humor that makes this tale of depravity bearable. Self-deprecation is infrequent, if not pretentious and insincere, and really serves no other purpose than a half-hearted apology. Overall, this book is a misguided waste, but will unfortunately be adored by those who misconstrue the message, or those confused enough to think that she's the funny character in her show or her book.
Skip this book. First of all, it's poorly written. Her stories take off on too many tangents. Secondly, after a while, I grew annoyed that each story was just about the same thing, over and over again. No growth, just one sloppy, drunk night after another with questionable men.
I love Chelsea Handler. I really do. A huge fan. However, this book is really written for the ladies. Being a gay guy I thought that maybe I could wrap my brain around the stylings of a single female who loves vodka and men. But in the end a lot of the charm and appeal is lost on me...I may love vodka and men but I'm certainly not a single female.
The stories are funny though and written for a quick read. And I think most 20-30 "somethings" will find this quite humorous. I was hoping for more hardcore juice...but most of the time Chelsea just ran short of being a true tramp and was more like a little girl dressing up in mom's heels and make-up.
The stories are funny though and written for a quick read. And I think most 20-30 "somethings" will find this quite humorous. I was hoping for more hardcore juice...but most of the time Chelsea just ran short of being a true tramp and was more like a little girl dressing up in mom's heels and make-up.
If you enjoy juvenile or even infantile humor, then this is the book for you. But if you're really looking for humor, don't waste your money on this collection of so-called "one-night stands."
These stories might be funny for stand-up comedy in front of inebriated fans, but in written form are not even close.
These stories might be funny for stand-up comedy in front of inebriated fans, but in written form are not even close.
The title really IS misleading
This book really is about Chelsea's "near misses". Instead of gloriously detailed sex-capades, her writings were more about her trying to weasel out of sex related situations. Reading it, I had a hard time believing that her character was even having sex at all. There was all this fluff concerning wild and crazy conversations/situations that would ultimately lead up to the 'come back to my room?' moment, which would then be quickly followed with her chickening out and having to find a less than tactful means of escape. I was left thinking that her character would be the type to walk around shouting 'I'm a slut! Come on boys!', when in reality all she would do is kiss. Not very promiscuous. The entire book was impersonal and, at times, had struggled to remain witty. It was surprising to find that by the last five or six pages, Chelsea actually began to write in a more biographical style where you began to feel some sort of raw emotion from her, which had been refreshing after two-hundred pages of emptiness. I don't regret having read it, I'm just a little sad with the money wasted purchasing it.
First of all, i must confess, I'm a guy ... and maybe that's the problem I have with this book.
My appetite to read is usually consumed by World War II, true crime and political-themed books, but I like variety in my reading and add healthy servings of pop-culture, autobiographies and humor to the mix. This book was recommended to me as being "hilarious" and "eye opening" ... so I figured I would read it and be entertained by a woman's perspective of things ... I couldn't finish it soon enough.
To me, this book was nothing but a text version of "Sex and the City's" Samantha. I'm open-minded when it comes to women and don't have a problem at all with Handler's wide-open sexuality (no pun intended) ... the book just wasn't funny and reads more like a girl trying like Hell to tell a story like a guy talking to his friends. It was predictable and the recollections appear more embellished to create a disgusting reaction (I did find the skid-mark situation humorous ... until the token panty-eating dog entered the story ... then my eyes rolled)
Several years ago, my then-pregnant wife was recommended Jenny Mccarthy's book about pregnancy, which i also read. Mccarthy and Handler's books left me with the same feeling ... two gorgeous women, successful comediennes who try too hard being flannel-shirt wearing, beer guzzling, burp and farting machines (Kathy Griffin is one of the few that can pull this off).
My appetite to read is usually consumed by World War II, true crime and political-themed books, but I like variety in my reading and add healthy servings of pop-culture, autobiographies and humor to the mix. This book was recommended to me as being "hilarious" and "eye opening" ... so I figured I would read it and be entertained by a woman's perspective of things ... I couldn't finish it soon enough.
To me, this book was nothing but a text version of "Sex and the City's" Samantha. I'm open-minded when it comes to women and don't have a problem at all with Handler's wide-open sexuality (no pun intended) ... the book just wasn't funny and reads more like a girl trying like Hell to tell a story like a guy talking to his friends. It was predictable and the recollections appear more embellished to create a disgusting reaction (I did find the skid-mark situation humorous ... until the token panty-eating dog entered the story ... then my eyes rolled)
Several years ago, my then-pregnant wife was recommended Jenny Mccarthy's book about pregnancy, which i also read. Mccarthy and Handler's books left me with the same feeling ... two gorgeous women, successful comediennes who try too hard being flannel-shirt wearing, beer guzzling, burp and farting machines (Kathy Griffin is one of the few that can pull this off).
I was looking for some very light reading...but this was terrible
I read a lot of different types of books for graduate school and research. As such, I was looking for a "break" and knew this would be light reading. However, I have to say this book was rather revolting. I guess the words that come to mind: sad, pathetic,lonely...
What I thought was going to be humorous and maybe occasionally edgy turned out to be incredibly offensive and disgusting. I found myself incredibly grateful for my sobriety after reading this book. If it did anything, it served as a reminder of how life can be really meaningless and lonely to some. What was meant to be funny was so, so sad in reflection.
What I thought was going to be humorous and maybe occasionally edgy turned out to be incredibly offensive and disgusting. I found myself incredibly grateful for my sobriety after reading this book. If it did anything, it served as a reminder of how life can be really meaningless and lonely to some. What was meant to be funny was so, so sad in reflection.
This book was totally a waste of my time and money. It was quite boring and not at all funny. The only reason why I bought the book was because some people said it was funny....In reality, it was just about how wasted she was and her party life.
Gosh, I hate even having to write this review; because I absolutely adore Chelsea Handler!!! This book looked hysterical, and I just had to have it. Much to my dismay, I would not recommend it. Miss Handler's show, Chelsea Lately, is always laugh-out-loud funny, and I expected her book to be the same. Even reading a random excerpt from the book on Amazon.com made me laugh aloud. The book seemed forced to me; as if she was trying too hard to make me laugh... Definitely a few funny moments, especially the last 3 pages, but not worth the money.
I know, I fell for the great title too...Forced, False, not funny
I have to say this is one of the worst books I have ever read, and I've read hundreds in the memoir genre.
I am floored by the glowing reviews - and suspicious as to their authenticity! (friends, publicist etc??)
I realize the intention must have been for the piece to be light and entertaining, not a 'real' book per se, but I couldn't even finish it, I was so disgusted with the disjointed fake sounding trysts and pickups and the lack of respect shown for the reader.
The shame of it that this could have been SUCH an interesting book, sociologically or psychologically, if the author implemented even a bit of sincerity, but she doesn't, in my opinion. Just crass exploitation, like it was tossed out as a throway.
The author seems to have very little respect for her audience, and I'm not talking about the sexual aspects, but that this piece just feels like it was pasted together from her stand up act, in order to further her tv career. Why go into intimate episodes and not reveal ANYTHING emotionally? Humor and truth are not mutually exclusive.
The anecdotes often ring with false merriment where pathos would be more appropriate, but no, it's all surface and show, one dimensional and cartoonish.
It feels like part of her shtick. There are a few funny lines here and there. I have enjoyed her stand up and performances on tv (Girls behaving badly and her E show), as a kind of Kathy Griffin - lite - type politically incorrect celebrity basher, which is what led me to pick the book up.
She came off much more unlikable than she does on tv, without any of the poignancy or revelation that makes for real humor.
If you found this little book lying on a table at the dentist's office, or while waiting for your car's oil to be changed... and you had to kill some time and there was nothing else to read, only then would I say you won't feel..used.....but otherwise, don't waste your time.
I am floored by the glowing reviews - and suspicious as to their authenticity! (friends, publicist etc??)
I realize the intention must have been for the piece to be light and entertaining, not a 'real' book per se, but I couldn't even finish it, I was so disgusted with the disjointed fake sounding trysts and pickups and the lack of respect shown for the reader.
The shame of it that this could have been SUCH an interesting book, sociologically or psychologically, if the author implemented even a bit of sincerity, but she doesn't, in my opinion. Just crass exploitation, like it was tossed out as a throway.
The author seems to have very little respect for her audience, and I'm not talking about the sexual aspects, but that this piece just feels like it was pasted together from her stand up act, in order to further her tv career. Why go into intimate episodes and not reveal ANYTHING emotionally? Humor and truth are not mutually exclusive.
The anecdotes often ring with false merriment where pathos would be more appropriate, but no, it's all surface and show, one dimensional and cartoonish.
It feels like part of her shtick. There are a few funny lines here and there. I have enjoyed her stand up and performances on tv (Girls behaving badly and her E show), as a kind of Kathy Griffin - lite - type politically incorrect celebrity basher, which is what led me to pick the book up.
She came off much more unlikable than she does on tv, without any of the poignancy or revelation that makes for real humor.
If you found this little book lying on a table at the dentist's office, or while waiting for your car's oil to be changed... and you had to kill some time and there was nothing else to read, only then would I say you won't feel..used.....but otherwise, don't waste your time.
I just finished reading "My Horizontal Life" and I have to say, it was the most fun I think I've ever had reading a book. I was laughing so hard at some of these stories that I was calling people up to quote lines over the phone (I know that's annoying if you're on the other end but it had to be done). In fact, when I finished reading it, I picked it back up and read a couple of the stories again.
As a fan of stand-up comedy (the author is a comedienne), I expected the book to be full of jokes and it is, but what I didn't expect is that it would be so revealing, sweet and engaging. By the last page, I felt like I knew the author as well as some of my closest friends.
Whether or not you yourself have had a one-night stand, you will be able to relate to the things that happen to her. Okay, maybe we haven't all dated a male stripper who's "every gay guy's fantasy" but we've all dated someone we sadly discovered is not so bright or who doesn't have a good grasp of our language. Personally, I think even a nun would find this book amusing. But I wouldn't buy it for her. I'd hope she'd just stumble upon it on her own.
I've read many humor book over the years and the problem with a lot of them is that they're just not that funny. This one delivers.
As a fan of stand-up comedy (the author is a comedienne), I expected the book to be full of jokes and it is, but what I didn't expect is that it would be so revealing, sweet and engaging. By the last page, I felt like I knew the author as well as some of my closest friends.
Whether or not you yourself have had a one-night stand, you will be able to relate to the things that happen to her. Okay, maybe we haven't all dated a male stripper who's "every gay guy's fantasy" but we've all dated someone we sadly discovered is not so bright or who doesn't have a good grasp of our language. Personally, I think even a nun would find this book amusing. But I wouldn't buy it for her. I'd hope she'd just stumble upon it on her own.
I've read many humor book over the years and the problem with a lot of them is that they're just not that funny. This one delivers.
This has got to be the funniest book I've ever read. I can completely appreciate the sarcastic wit which permeates the book through and through. I laughed so hard I cried. That being said - uh hello - if you're a prude and don't particularly like beaver and penis references, lewd behavior and crass commentary, you won't get through this book. She is vulgar and honest. Thus the reason it's so wonderful. The funny part of it is, people that talk about the book having an "ick factor" are likely the same people that also try to tell people THEY never fart. If you're not the kind of girl that goes for the "one-night stand" and finds it appalling, move on to another book. I myself was able to relate, what that says about me, well, who cares. The fact of the matter is, it's funny as hell and to imagine someone being found in these situations is comedic - if you have the ability to visualize things well. It's sort of like watching Jerry Seinfeld, it's every day life funny. Loosen up people. Fellas, if you decide it's something you want to read (though it really is more of a chick book) I can't imagine why men wouldn't find humor in it. Just be prepared to realize women are often worse than men. Cheers!
I like to watch Chelsea's show, and she has a wry sense of humor; however, the way she conducted herself as a young woman is both frightening and sad. The thought of two underage women constantly drunk and inviting Godess knows whom into their beds, including criminals and absolute undesirables, wreaks of low self esteem, lack of self respect and no boundaries. I have to wonder if young women know they are putting themselves in danger when they get drunk and go home with strangers?? Not to mention diseases???? This lifestyle is not healthy. Think before you leap or read! I don't recommend this book to young women, who may be influenced to behave in unhealthy ways.
Woody Allen meets Sex and the City
Hilarious recollection of multiple amorous adventures and misadventures. Remeber when Woody Allen was funny? Well this could be his sister's version of "Everything you always wanted to know about sex but were afraid of asking"
The succession of ever so more improbable sexual fiascos and mishaps, would make Candace Bushnell cringe. Like Sex and the City, but wearing JC Penney shoes instead of Manolo Blahnik's.
A comic tour de force.
Read it, you won't regret it.
The succession of ever so more improbable sexual fiascos and mishaps, would make Candace Bushnell cringe. Like Sex and the City, but wearing JC Penney shoes instead of Manolo Blahnik's.
A comic tour de force.
Read it, you won't regret it.
First, let me say I like what she does on GBB, but, man, she cannot write at all. These reviews must be from friends or something. Don't buy it. It's a waste of money. Unoriginal and someone's just taking advantage of their 15 minutes.
I agree with David Smith. There is no redeeming quality to this book, unless you are looking for juvenile humor with a giant squeeze of sleaze. It is depressing that anyone would chronicle their sexual forays with the same amount of consideration they might give towards discussing the weather. As I read the book I felt shame and pity for the confused author and her horrible judgment. I'd expect this type of book from a greasy male clubber. Leave the sexual conquests to sleazeball guys. I expected better from a seemingly intelligent, confident female. I once believed her to be attractive as a person, but now I am totally turned off. If you're looking for juvenile laughs, there are better sources than this book. If you do read it and have any propriety be ready to hop in the shower afterwards
There is one thing that all memoirs should have... redemption. Or at least be so funny that it doesn't matter. This fell so far from the mark of being a good memoir. It was just - sad. I would have loved to see her end up in rehab and maybe married to someone with no sexually transmitted diseases. It was like *giggle* a story *giggle* about this *giggle* little girl *giggle* in this grown up *giggle* body - that drank entirely too much (and *giggle* thought it was funny), would find the nearest guy and go screw - maybe if his penis wasn't too big or small or whatever other problems the author seemed to have. It wasn't even that funny. What a piece of junk. Don't waste your time or money on this one.
This book tries way too hard to be funny - I am still waiting to laugh. Chelsea Handler is no David Sedaris.
While I still think "Are You There, Vodka?" is my favorite, this one also had me laughing out loud. I have read some negative reviews for this book and her others. Obviously thse people don't get her sense of humor. I love her witty nicknames she gives people and the descriptions of them. She gives hilarious accounts of her hookups,(duh),so there are alot of dirty details, and they are all entertaining. If you can handle her sense of humor, you should definitely buy this book. She is my favorite comedienne, by far. And her writing style is so that you can actually picture yourself as observing these events, not just reading about them.
I laughed out loud, read chapters to my husband who also laughed out loud. I think this book takes a certain mind set to enjoy. I think all the people who wrote negative reviews should have thought before purchasing the book "what type of book they were purchasing?" What did anyone expect from a book by Chelsea Handler titled MY HORIZONTAL LIFE? This book is funny. Don't let anyones opinion stop you from reading something they don't know if you would enjoy. Read on
great read, had me dying laughing
I really enjoyed this book, its really funny and I really liked how she didn't sugar-coat anything. She did a really good job. Ill definitely buy more of her books.
If you like Chelsea Handler, you will love this book. It is a very entertaining story of her love interests over the years. I thought it was funny and it read quickly. I think it is one of the best books she's written.
Okay, Chelsea, so you've done all these wild things. So what? You've made it BORING to read about. All these little stories just get boringer and duller. I am so disappointed. This book is not even funny. It's not worth the time. And I am going to stop wasting my time by writing a review for this book, which can be summed up with one word: Unoriginal.
This was an enjoyable book to read. My only complaint is that some of the stories aren't believable because of how perfectly neat and cute the events and characters in her chapters tie together. I am guessing the author fictionized minor details or did character/time composites to make a better story which is fine when you have to make a joke work or give more meaning to certain events. I just think this writing tactic might have been used a few times too often. You'll see what I mean if you read this book, but it really does not detract from the overall quality which is definitely a fun read you'll want to share with your girls.
Perfect book for reading in bed
Candid, shocking, hilarious, crass, sometimes gross, sarcastic and somehow still charming, that's Chelsea for you. Since I've been watching her late night show on E! for over a hear and a half now I wasn't as stunned as an average reader might be but the book was still a handful, easy to read but with many "holy moly" moments through in, some parts had me laughing so loud that I thought something would burst in my body, her comedic spirit is her own, she's not pretending to be funny, it's simply part of her personality and it works.
Being one of many siblings has made Chelsea a natural goofball around people, considering she seems to be the most mischievous and outgoing and perhaps the funniest. From an early age she hasn't shied away from figuring out things that parents want to keep hidden for as long as possible, resulting in a hunger that made her life look like one giant party. It was funny reading this and thinking that now I'm the age Chelsea was when the book was ending, and comparing of course how insanely different we are, I still had a blast reading about her conquests, one night stands ( half of them were more than one night, it made me laugh) and in between bizzaro incidents that made me feel better about my own past, I guess young men are mostly frogs and she proves it well in this hilarious memoir of sorts. Now no offence to the normal men out there, I believe you're hiding in between the wolves but they weren't so common in this bedside memoir.
This was a fun and fast read, something one can get through in a day or two, it might induce cravings for cocktails as one reads it, and I know I wanted one during each chapter. Chelsea is honest and funny, her personality really shines through even if it's bit over the top sometimes but ultimately she proves that she's a good friend to those close to her and I like that about her, she's not empty, she cares and she has a good heart.
I watch her show with my bf every night and it rarely fails to make us laugh, sometimes it gets boring, other times its really out there, but she says whatever she thinks of celebs and calls them out when they are lame and I love that. She brings some much needed humility to the Hollywood scene but always with some laughs.
- Kasia S.
Being one of many siblings has made Chelsea a natural goofball around people, considering she seems to be the most mischievous and outgoing and perhaps the funniest. From an early age she hasn't shied away from figuring out things that parents want to keep hidden for as long as possible, resulting in a hunger that made her life look like one giant party. It was funny reading this and thinking that now I'm the age Chelsea was when the book was ending, and comparing of course how insanely different we are, I still had a blast reading about her conquests, one night stands ( half of them were more than one night, it made me laugh) and in between bizzaro incidents that made me feel better about my own past, I guess young men are mostly frogs and she proves it well in this hilarious memoir of sorts. Now no offence to the normal men out there, I believe you're hiding in between the wolves but they weren't so common in this bedside memoir.
This was a fun and fast read, something one can get through in a day or two, it might induce cravings for cocktails as one reads it, and I know I wanted one during each chapter. Chelsea is honest and funny, her personality really shines through even if it's bit over the top sometimes but ultimately she proves that she's a good friend to those close to her and I like that about her, she's not empty, she cares and she has a good heart.
I watch her show with my bf every night and it rarely fails to make us laugh, sometimes it gets boring, other times its really out there, but she says whatever she thinks of celebs and calls them out when they are lame and I love that. She brings some much needed humility to the Hollywood scene but always with some laughs.
- Kasia S.
i purchased this book because i was a huge fan of chelsea handler, and when i recieved it, i tore into it like i was a fat kid, and this book was a box of toaster streudels . . . one page in the entire book made me laugh- the rest were good ideas with too little else. i didn't so little as smirk through the bulk of it, and the filler and one-liners between each major detail were inadequate, and clever at best. nothing progressed in a smooth, and believable manner- the crap tangents seemed to dilute even chelsea's give an s factor when she came back to the main idea. every character was so poorly sketched, the bulk of everything in the book is based on the simplest stereotypes with one or two defining traits- max. which is fine- stereotypes are based on facts, but every character is merely a prop as we watch drunk, soulless, chelsea sketch a short life of doing absolutely nothing. most of the 'insight' and subjective material comes in the form of a very rough joke, or is unnecessary and disjointed, and actually takes away from the idea. did anyone edit this book?
Handler is one lucky train wreck
Handler is a train wreck who doesn't know when to stop sharing/lying, although her willingness to take risks and make fun of herself is a key factor in her persona and her success. I'm guessing being the youngest of six kids had a lot to do with it. Like most creative twenty-somethings for whom college and/or traditional employment isn't the obvious choice, it takes her a while to figure out her personal path. I was disappointed by the book, probably because it was so well hyped, and with the exception of a couple of laugh-out-loud moments, I expected it to be funnier than it was. Although I do enjoy Handler as a comedienne, and I would have loved seeing her in the green M&M costume.
The Chelsea Handler Show...you'll like this book. I had a hard time getting into this book, I almost stopped reading it, but it picked up a little about 1/3 of the way through. The writing is sophomoric...kind of how I would probably write. LOL. I think the title is fine, but the subtitle is wrong. It is not a collection of one-night stands, but IS a collection of her horizontal life...consummated activities or not.
I am ambivalent about her show (I like her other one better...Girls Behaving Badly), where she often drops glib remarks of sleeping around, being an alcoholic and being touched by "Uncle Gary." In her book, many of the sexual encounters do not end with sex, but more disturbing to me was the excessive drinking to get wasted. I thought some of the situations with her family were kind of funny. Chelsea's friend Shoniqua and Ivory were also quite "interesting." The class reunion with her gay friend and the preparation for her sister's wedding were comical, but seemed a little drawn out and over-the-top. In fact, it was so over-the-top it made me wonder if it really happened or was exaggerated for entertainment. It was an average read, some parts funny, some not.
If you like her show, you will probably like this book.
I am ambivalent about her show (I like her other one better...Girls Behaving Badly), where she often drops glib remarks of sleeping around, being an alcoholic and being touched by "Uncle Gary." In her book, many of the sexual encounters do not end with sex, but more disturbing to me was the excessive drinking to get wasted. I thought some of the situations with her family were kind of funny. Chelsea's friend Shoniqua and Ivory were also quite "interesting." The class reunion with her gay friend and the preparation for her sister's wedding were comical, but seemed a little drawn out and over-the-top. In fact, it was so over-the-top it made me wonder if it really happened or was exaggerated for entertainment. It was an average read, some parts funny, some not.
If you like her show, you will probably like this book.
Whatever possessed a girl to openly admit she had a lot of one night stands, never mind write a book about it, is beyond me. Although it's witty, it's clever, it's eye-opening, it's just a bit about stuff you don't wanna know? It's all a bit too much information. But the first chapter is really shocking, Chelsea Handler says that the reason she never got into a serious relationship was because she was dared $5 by her older sister to take a photo of their mum & dad. Together. Ewwwwwwwww!!! It probably scarred her for life!
Each chapter in Chelsea's book is dedicated to a different one night stand. (Poor guys if they actually picked it up and recognised themselves.) There's a night with a stripper called Thunder (who's real name she never finds out); a night with a rather short person; a night with someone who's an eye watering size; and many more. But while she goes into description about these things, it's all a bit too weird. She's effectively doing a kiss and tell.
The book ends with her discovering her last two one night stands have ended up not sleeping together, and then she decides to find "true love". And her best (married) friend tells her she should write a book about her experiences.
My Horizontal Life is alright, it's funny enough, and easy to read, and there's another out in May 2007, "Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea", which I've already added to my wishlist. Hopefully it'll go one better than this.
Each chapter in Chelsea's book is dedicated to a different one night stand. (Poor guys if they actually picked it up and recognised themselves.) There's a night with a stripper called Thunder (who's real name she never finds out); a night with a rather short person; a night with someone who's an eye watering size; and many more. But while she goes into description about these things, it's all a bit too weird. She's effectively doing a kiss and tell.
The book ends with her discovering her last two one night stands have ended up not sleeping together, and then she decides to find "true love". And her best (married) friend tells her she should write a book about her experiences.
My Horizontal Life is alright, it's funny enough, and easy to read, and there's another out in May 2007, "Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea", which I've already added to my wishlist. Hopefully it'll go one better than this.
I bought this on the suggestion of a friend and could not put it down. It's hilarious and so TRUE. For anyone who has ever had a few too many drinks and had a one-nighter, had to endure "the walk of shame" or listened to their friends stories of random hook-ups - you will not only relate but laugh until it hurts.
First of all, it couldn't be any funnier. It's about time that a female writes a book with as much candor and chutzpah as any male when recounting their one night stories to the guys. So refreshing to find something this candid and truly funny in an over-sensitized world of censorship. Finally, someone with a strong point of view who won't couch it to spare anyone! I love it. She's just so funny!
A Collection of One-Night Stands
If you've got a few bucks in your pocket, skip the Martini at
Lunchtime, and head for the nearest bookstore and purchase this
Must-Have.Read one chapter a day, stretch it out as long as you can and you naillm regain a feeling of total wellbeing.
You will laugh until it hurts.You will read about things you have only dreamed about, and discover things your imagination could not even come up with.
So, pamper yourself, loose yourself in a world that you are not really part of,---or so you think.
Lunchtime, and head for the nearest bookstore and purchase this
Must-Have.Read one chapter a day, stretch it out as long as you can and you naillm regain a feeling of total wellbeing.
You will laugh until it hurts.You will read about things you have only dreamed about, and discover things your imagination could not even come up with.
So, pamper yourself, loose yourself in a world that you are not really part of,---or so you think.
I saw Miss Handler on the Isaac Mizrahi show and thought she was amusing, so I purchased this book. Well, start to finish, I laughed and laughed. Her honest accounts of life's journeys were absolutely hilarious and I could not put this book down! I have since passed this book on to several girlfriends and they too found it hilarious. I highly recommend this book!
You have to read this book! Chelsea's stories will remind you of a story you've either been through and didn't know how to laugh about yet, or of a story a "good friend" has told you...but just couldn't divulge all of the details. She is honest, funny, and compassionate...a rare find in a woman who is willing to tell you such intimate details about her sex life...in the most humorous way possible. Chelsea makes you remember that it's okay to be a woman...and still be human. Did I mention it's hysterical?
Watch out Chris Rock.....You have some competition because Chelsea Handler is showing the world that she is funny...funny...funny....
Who cares if she has slept around......It's her business. But, I look at this book as a cautionary tale and young women everywhere can learn from her. You are probably not going to find love on a one-night stand....you might even lose your dignity, but you'll never lose your sense of humor...and isn't that what it is really all about? Not taking ourselves so seriously.....
Who cares if she has slept around......It's her business. But, I look at this book as a cautionary tale and young women everywhere can learn from her. You are probably not going to find love on a one-night stand....you might even lose your dignity, but you'll never lose your sense of humor...and isn't that what it is really all about? Not taking ourselves so seriously.....
I agree with those who feel the title is inaccurate; there are not all that many one night stands. I also agree with those who feel it would be better to get this book from the library. It is by no means great literature.
As for what it is ...
funny
light
great to unwind with
fun to share with a friend
curl up with a cup of cocoa or tea book
In smoe places I cringed in others found myself laughing outloud
As for what it is ...
funny
light
great to unwind with
fun to share with a friend
curl up with a cup of cocoa or tea book
In smoe places I cringed in others found myself laughing outloud
Take your $ and go buy a coffee instead.
I LOVE Chelsea Handler! I HATED this book.
She should have called it "How to be a Ho." Her other book "Are you there, Vodka? It's me, Chelsea." had a few stories of her sexcapades, but at least it wasn't page, after page, after page, of all of the guys she's slept with. I could barely finish reading it, half way through I just started skimming the chapters and realized that if did take the time to read it cover to cover, I would have wasted a few hours of my life that I was never going to get back.
She should have called it "How to be a Ho." Her other book "Are you there, Vodka? It's me, Chelsea." had a few stories of her sexcapades, but at least it wasn't page, after page, after page, of all of the guys she's slept with. I could barely finish reading it, half way through I just started skimming the chapters and realized that if did take the time to read it cover to cover, I would have wasted a few hours of my life that I was never going to get back.
I don't take issue with a raunchy sex story. I don't take issue with a little off-color humor IF it's well done (example: the Simpsons). what I do not like is the blatant racism in this book. this book was offensive, boring and not at all funny. she sounds like a dumb teenager bragging about her exploits, all the while she manages to insult Asians, African Americans, and little people. I pretty much stopped reading after that, so who knows who else she managed to insult.
Wear your depends while reading
Once again, Chelsea did not dissapoint in this book detailing all of her ups and downs (well, mostly downs) in her sex life. I have not laughed this hard while reading in a long time, at one point during her reference to the midget I nearly wet myself.
If you want funny and crude humor then this is definatly a book you should read!
If you want funny and crude humor then this is definatly a book you should read!
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Some great one-liners and insults in every other sentence.
Very embarrassing and hilarious stories, right from the first chapter. Chelsea is the ultimate tomboy, and can be outrageously funny. What makes this book so great is the shock value. Not just the content. Heavy drinking, drugs, and numerous sex partners are just not what you expect to read from an accomplished woman. It's just so very rare a girl is so open about her excess indulgence and spontaneous sex life like this.
She has a real talent at storytelling as well, which comes from her stand up comic days.
For fans of this genre, I'd also highly recommend the male version of this book for out of control laughs. Ripping comedy - outrageous penthouse letter stories.
High Heels and Dirty Deals - Globetrotting Tales of Debauchery from a Binge-drinking Nymphomaniac